The Things We Think and Do Not Say

At long last, i've finished an article.

After months, maybe even years, of fruitless campaigns, i have finally summed up the will and mental powers necessary to finish a non-academic writing. Before, when i attempted to write an article, i'd always stop midway, or end up with incoherent loose phrases typewritten in MS Word. Like for example, this article. i started the first draft of this article sometime in October 2003. And i just finished this now. This is not because of lack of trying, or writer's block though. On the contrary, it's more like writer's "over-speeding".

You see, my brain thinks too fast for me to put it everything down. Not that i am bragging. Even way before before i learned to type or encode quickly, thoughts or ideas keep popping in my head before i can gather myself and put all of them in a piece of paper. Given any topic, almost simultaneously, thousands of ideas would crop up, which would then lead to yet to another thousands of ideas, and then lead on to still another thousands of ideas.

To all those who know me or have had the chance to see me talk, i guess you’ll know what i mean. i have this tendency to continuously rant about a topic, and then discuss all sorts of side issues related to this topic. If people wouldn’t stop me in my ranting, i could have gone on forever and ever. Like there was this time, when i was talking over the phone with an applicant for an org that i am member of. She called me up because it was her interview the next day, and she was all jittery, and wanted to know some pointers. And so, i first explained to her the basic stuff that she needs to know, and how to prepare herself mentally. And then it went on to a conversation about why do people join orgs, which then led to why i joined the org, which then led to why i wanted to take up architecture, which then led to why she wanted to take up architecture, which then led to the problems of the architectural education in the college, which then led to the problems of the org, which then led to some of the programs that the org will implement that year… It went on and on until she reminded me that it was already 2:30 am, and that she needs to take a nap already since her interview is scheduled early morning. And we started that conversation at around 9:00 pm.

To tell you the truth, i wouldn’t know if this would be considered a gift or a curse. Sometimes, it can be a gift, especially when a paper or report is due within the next few hours. On the other hand, it can also be a curse, especially when i can’t organize into a coherent picture the ideas that are popping in my head. And coupled with my rather perfectionist and meticulous nature, it can sometimes drive me crazy.

Like when i was doing my undergraduate thesis, for example. i really hard time finishing the designs because once i’m detailing a particular part, yet a thousand and one ideas are popping again which most of the times necessitates me to redesign some other parts. To tell you the truth, me and my groupmate never got to finish the required architectural drawings. Come deliberations time, we didn’t have sections (at least on the boards that we presented), had only 2 elevations, our site development was half-drawn, and there were various comments in pencil all throughout the different boards, saying things like “add furniture details”, “put dimensions” and “put tile marks”.

Makes you wonder though how me and my groupmate were able to be the “best thesis” in our batch. Honestly, i didn’t think we would even be in the line of 90’s. i guess it must have been some divine intervention, since we presented on an Ash Wednesday. i wonder what the college or our jury during the deliberations would do if they learnt about our short comings. Would they take back the “best thesis” title from us and instead give us an “incomplete”? And if so doing, would that entail revoking my professional license since i’ve incomplete academic requirements? And if so further doing, would that also mean my forfeiture from the graduate program? Aaah, the streaming of ideas yet attacks me.

So what great forces of nature made me able to finish an article now? Insomnia and a new laptop.

i dunno, but for some reason, i can’t get sleep today. That’s April 18, 2004, and it’s 1:30 in the early morning. Are there some celestial motions happening this day which is preventing me from going to dreamy, dream land? i’ve been twisting and turning in my cot for over 2 hours now and still can’t seem to get sleepy. My mind was trying to replay the graduate classes i’m attending, or the ones in which i’d so occasionally fall asleep. Still no effect. My mind was already thinking scenarios just like in the Fight Club movie, where i have to attend therapy sessions to cure my insomnia.

Then in one of my next sideway turns, i then came face to face with my new laptop right beside my sleeping area, and then right then and there, inspiration hits me: why not finish that article? And so i jumped out of my cot, opened the laptop, opened the file, and started to type where i left off. It was somewhat like a scene out of Jerry Maguire. Jumping in the middle of the night, opening the computer, and typing the thoughts that are racing through your minds. It was the oddest and most unexpected thing. Night like this doesn’t come along very often. I seized it. I was writing what they call an article. Not a memo, or a mission statement. An article.

Of course, there are differences between that movie and me. For one, the character Jerry Maguire wrote because he was driven by a sense of guilt, while i am writing because i couldn’t get any sleep. Secondly, Jerry was trying to make a point in his article; I’m not, just whiling the time till i can sleepy. Thirdly and lastly, Tom Cruise has hair, i’m bald.

And with that, i think i’ll end this first article of mine. As i am ending this article, my mind is again thinking yet a thousand of things. One: what would have happened if i didn’t have a laptop beside my cot? Second: would the thesis faculty really take back that “Best in Thesis” title from me and my groupmate once they learned about our thesis boo-boos? Third: NBA playoffs gonna start in about less than 6 hours. i wonder who’s going to be the champion come June? Fourth: Hey, Spiderman 2 is gonna show in June 30. Can’t hardly wait. The new trailer’s look cool. Fifth: Oh wait, Troy the movie’s gonna show earlier, sometime in May. Sixth: And oh, Kill Bill Volume 2 has already shown in the US, so in all probability, there’s already a pirated VCD copy in Quiapo. Seventh: ….


PS: If you don’t get that meaning of the title, that’s the title of the “mission statement” that Jerry Maguire wrote.