Creators Dilemma

When youve built a few, when youve felt the responsibility of creation, you will start thinking about why you're doing these things. Youll start thinking how one project is different from the other, and what makes them similar. Youll start thinking in terms of why this form or why that form. Youll start trying to explain yourself to others, making "why" stories, but the real battle is explaining to yourself how youve come to make such things, and somehow realize that somehow, no story captures everything youve done (or want to do), no point of view seems quite accurate. But outside, you cling to the stories, the manifestos, the "theories", the "reasons".

You know they're not all true. On the other hand, you know theyre not all false, and in the middle there's a nagging doubt if you do know enough to decide what is true or false. You know that somehow, the stories and theories are the only way you can get your message through. And that somehow you can build more consistently with these "reasons" in mind, and somehow, your clients understand you better with them. They become a sort-of meeting point between your creative mind and other people's understanding. In the face of success, there's a part of you that starts beleiving they actually were the reasons why you made your creations.

But deep down inside, you know the truth - they are only partial, some true, some merely convenient, found by trial and error, or from other people's "myths" that seem apropriate to the item you're trying to explain. Deep inside, you know what you lack, you know what you need - a consistent point of view that could accomodate all your ideas, your work - your "theory of everything".

So begins your search, though you have a feeling that you might never find it. Youll have to try, and for the mean time, decide truth and consistency in every act, weighed down by the knowledge that when - if - you ever get to a point of acquiring that consistent point of view, youll still have to apologize for the inconsistencies of the past. And you wonder whether the discovery is worth the apology.